Review: Meet the Spartans
Right…..Worst Day Ever. Ok i went to see this film there last week. Before we went in it had a posting on the front saying that the film contained Two credits, the first was 1 hour and 40 min, and the second was about 10 min or so. From this witty poster (slaped up with blue tack on an A4 sheet) i gathered that the film itself was going to be poo……yet i still entered!
Basically this films takes the piss out of every blockbuster film that was released last summer……SO ITS ALREADY OUT OF FUCKING DATE! The story line is loosly based on 300, although instead of 300 spartans they have….mmm lets say 7….no joke, just 7 clowns standing around.
So the film plods along with this 300 style story line. And if you can imagine the story line of 300 in Essay form, then at every full stop, “Meet the spartans” Decide to throw in an ol gag just for the laugh……they’re not funny, in fact they make you cry a lille. I do believe they are meant to be funny or witty, but they are not, they are shit. Not only are they not funny but they go on way too long, mar shampla: 300, Leonides kicks in 3 dudes into the hole, Meet The Spartans, he kicks in like i duno….. a million people, some i didnt even know cause it was some sort of american boring ass reality Tv references (Conor you would hate this film, imagine you watching reality Tv, and then it crawls its way into a movie your watching). I can see what it was trying to do….banish all the shit from last year to Spartas pitt of doom ( i think thats what they called it) but to be honest they should have all just jumped in after them. Fuck me that was a shit scene!
Right so the movie rambles on through all these gay ass senarios much like the last, with shit jokes, every fucking breath. Unfortunitly for those of you wanting a climactic finish to the end of this tale you are going to have to go out spend the 9 yo yo’s to see it. Then you can tell me the ending cause i didnt see it, as you may have guessed i walked out! I have to say i have never walked out of a film in my life, but this was shit. I did die a lille inside as my record of staying to the end of all fims was now blemished, but lucky for me as stated on the front door this film was a set of two credits…..so i only walked out during the first, so my clean sheet is still clean……FUCK YOU MEET THE SPARTANS, YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD ME, BUT YOU SHOT YOURSELF IN THE FOOT, YOU BIG PIECE OF ROTTEN EGG YOKE ON A DOLUP OF MARMITE. I left some time round after they meet that clown Xerxis, played by Borats boyfriend…worst actor ever, although he did look fairly mank so it was kinda funny. I must comment on his dismount from the fucking chariot that his gypo fuck slaves carried. It was fucking terrible, it was trying to be slapstick, it was not, its too hard to explain so you’ll just have to see it for yourself…….dont go see it its not worth it. They should have shown his big ass fall flat on his face from the side in slow mo 300 style…..that would have been funny, not just show his face on the ground, lettin you imagine the fall….thats shit!!!
Anyway, i think we were debating leaving a hell of a long time before that, but we took ages. There was one momment however that kept us from leaving, in retrospect it wasnt worth it. Your mans wife….queen i duno eh “Only spartan Women give birth to Real Men” one was gettin some massage so it was relativly arrousing, for about point 5 of a second.
We all left it soon after, and cursed walshy for gettin the tickets (thats right walshy were going to blame you), although honestly it was all our fault, if eric drove as the crow flies we could have made it in time for Drill bit Taylor….and i suppose i have blood on my hands too. If i hadnt stopped for a brief 15 min dance on some park bench we would have made it for a more varried and fruitful selection. If only i kept dancing for another hour we wouldnt have fuckin seen the cinema let alone that boiled scrotum of a fim.
To cheer ourselves up after such a dissimle display of putride rat shit in movie form we decided to comfort feed ourselves with K.c’s….it helped, only a lille, so then we got chocolate, we felt happy after that.
It was one crap film, compared only to a papercut on your eye, and whats worse is…….i want to know how it ended, the seed of curiosity is still sewn in my head, so if anyone wants to donate 9 euro, a kashmire burger, and a snikers bar then ill go see it again.
Appologies for the speeling, grammer and what not, my use of the written english is, how shall we say, ehh….meet the spartans!
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